No one cares

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Early in my Marine Corps career I was trudging through the mountains of Southern California feeling bad for myself.

Visibly down in the dumps and likely complaining about who knows what I remember my Drill Instructor, the person responsible for turning me from civilian into Marine, looking at me and saying, “No one cares, so stop complaining.”

Up to that point in my life I had been raised in the warm embrace of middle class suburban America with supportive loving parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and family friends who very much cared, or so it felt, about every aspect of my world from a stubbed toe to a broken heart.

Needless to say, no one had every said those words to my face.

And yet, I was oddly liberated?

My Drill Instructor’s point, and the one I want to communicate to you in this post today, was that everyone on that training exercise was feeling a similar blend of pain, homesickness, and fatigue as I was so complaining about it was mostly useless.

This notion that misery loves company connected me to my fellow soon to be Marines in a shared spirit that made my malaise not so bad.

What I learned from my Drill Instructor was that no one cares, and that’s a good thing.

Everyone’s got stuff

For all of life’s beauty, there’s no doubt that it can be equally cruel and hard. But it’s cruel and hard for everyone.

When you’re having a bad day it’s important to remember there is almost certainly someone else that’s having a worse one. The shared struggle of every living soul is something which can be a force for unity in a world that often feels like it is zero sum, but doesn’t have to be.

When you find yourself working through a particularly thorny problem or having one of those especially bad days remember that you find yourself in that moment precisely because your ancestors walked out of caves to create a world in which humans walked the face of the moon.

The story of human civilization is one of struggle, but ultimately progress as a result of overcoming that struggle. If they made it, you can too.

Misery loves company, but in that company you can find strength.

Don’t bring your “whole self” to work

Perhaps a bit more pragmatic than the lofty prose from above, but you absolutely should not bring your “whole self” to work.

My whole self likes to eat Ritz crackers in an old sweatshirt and faded gym shorts while watching James Bond movies on the couch.

This is certainly not the persona I want to bring to a quarterly sales kickoff when trying to get a team to deliver $50M in incremental revenue over the next 90 days.

Know your audience, but also know your circumstance. Human beings are beautiful precisely because we are complex, multi layered beings (like onions). But that also means you don’t need to bring every layer of your special onion to every moment of your corporate world all the time.

I am a big believer in the notion that corporations are teams, not families which means you are a professional at work to deliver results as a part of a team. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t show off cute pictures of your kids with cake all over their face at their first birthday party (please do, they’re adorable). But it does mean your primary focus at work should be bringing the full force of your competence to advance the goals of your team.

Above all else, do your job.

The insecurities of others at least match your own

When I’m particularly nervous for a presentation or client pitch I often revisit the “No one cares” mantra as a reminder that as nervous as I am, the insecurities of other’s in the room at least match my own.

It’s so easy to get caught up thinking about the way you look or worried about how your client / boss may or may not be reacting to your choice of words in that last presentation that you forget they likely don’t have time to worry about you because they’re equally caught up in their own insecurities about the way they look or the way their boss is reacting to their most recent presentation.

Back to our first section, “everyone’s got stuff” well remember “everyone’s got insecurities” also.

So when you’re getting sidelined by your own insecurities remember that every person you meet today is just as insecure as you are. Ironically, I hope that gives you confidence. It works for me.

Headwind or tailwind

The truth is, it’s hard not to complain.

I have a long way to go in order to crack the code of living a complaint free life, but one of the most helpful perspective shifts in this endeavor is the idea that you can either serve those around you giving them a tailwind, or make your problems their own giving them a headwind.

We all need the support of others from time to time, but on balance your goal should be to find yourself on the side of the equation that has you supporting others more than them needing to support you.

Remember, life is hard and everyone has stuff. That means if you’re able to patiently handle your stuff on your own without burdening others you can give more of your energy to helping your team, friends, and family with those things in their lives burdening them. This is the essence of servant leadership.

As Brett and Kate McKay note in their wonderful blog, “People value those who in their friendly visage, abundant humor, and light-casting perspective are the bright side of life.”

Handle your business so you can go out and be the bright side of life for others.

See y’all next week.