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- Thick Skin
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I played Rugby growing up. I loved the game for its athleticism, endurance, and physicality, but mostly I loved playing rugby because I was part of a team filled with my best friends.
Not many people in suburban Minnesota cared much about rugby and most of us played the game in the spring as a way to stay in shape for our primary sport of choice. While we were intensely serious during our matches practices were, much to our coaches’ chagrin, more of a casual endeavor.
I vividly remember one of our coaches, I think he went by Shmitty, trying to get us to take a drill more seriously when a more rebellious teammate booted a ball his direction. Whether the kick was intentionally aimed at Shmitty’s face or not the world may never know, but it found its mark squarely on the unsuspecting coach’s forehead.
The faces of the assembled team slowly traversed back and forth between player and coach wondering what would occur next. Would it be an epic tongue lashing? The remainder of practice spent running sprints? A return kick perhaps?
Much to our surprise Shmitty calmly turned toward our, now panic stricken, teammate and said the following:
I’ve had worse from better.
Your opinion of their actions
Shmitty taught us a valuable lesson that day. The importance of having thick skin (in this case literally).
It is impossible to go through life without receiving offenses from our fellow travelers. Whether these offenses are real or perceived doesn’t matter, but if you hope to be an effective leader your response to them does.
Thick skin is a leadership imperative.
Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius offers Ten Rules for Handling the Offense of Others, but it is portions of rules seven and eight that I find most helpful in cultivating a thick skin.
Someone’s actions in and of themselves do not disturb you, you are disturbed by your opinion of them.
I love the idea that when someone offends us it is our choice whether or not to give them the satisfaction of actually being offended. As is so often true in leadership your energies are finite but your tasks to accomplish seem nearly infinite. Why use some of that finite energy on being offended? It almost certainly won’t help anything.
How much more suffering is caused by our response to an offense, than suffering caused by the offense itself.
Rule number eight from the Stoic emperor rings equally true. I think of this idea of consistently escalating offenses the spiral of offense. It is not productive and leads nowhere, so don’t give it the time of day.
As any older sibling knows all too well, the best way to stop a would be series of escalating insults and offenses in their tracks is to be unaffected by them. Choose not to care about the insults of others and they lose their power. Now you’ve got thick skin.
Mother Teresa
My Mom is fond of sharing the following poem which Mother Teresa inscribed on the wall of her children’s home in Calcutta. It is one of my favorite rulebooks for life, but an equally effective guide to cultivating thick skin.
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered; Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God; It was never between you and them anyway.
It’s tough to think of any words which need to be added to the above, but I’ll leave you with this. Strength comes from the ability of anyone to be governed by the inner accounting of their own character.
No person in this world enhances their own esteem by meeting another’s insult with one of their own.
Hold true to that inner voice which reminds you that your spirit is made stronger by calmly tolerating the insults of others without giving any discernible response.
As Mother Teresa reminds us, it’s not between you and them anyway.
See y’all next week.